5 Signs You’ve Married Your Problems (and how to divorce them)
We spend a lot of time trying to break bad habits and replace them with new, positive ones. But how do we expect to break bad habits when we’ve said “I do” to them?
We may consciously be trying to break these habits, but sub-consciously we’re reaffirming our “vows” to them day after day.
Whether or not you’ve been married or have gone through a divorce, we’ve all experienced a breakup with a partner or the loss of a friend. Some of the relationships I’ve had I knew were unhealthy and needed to end, but I held on because I didn’t want to experience the pain of the breakup.
But how do you know if you’ve inadvertently married your bad habits?
Here are 5 signs that you’ve said “until death do we part.”
1. Breaking up has become an obsession.
Common sense would tell us that if we really want to break a bad habit, we need to spend lots of energy focusing on it and willing it away. Has this ever really worked for you? It hasn’t for me. I’ll tell you why.
The more time we spend obsessing over the habits we want to break, the more energy we’re feeding them. One common example is quitting smoking. Let’s say you’re obsessed with quitting smoking. It’s all you can think about. Day after day, hour after minute after second you tell yourself “I quit,” “This is my last cigarette,” or “I’m cutting down, I’m going to ween myself off of smoking. This is it.”
Logic would tell us that all this energy we’re putting into “quitting” would propel us toward breaking the habit. However, what’s really happening is we’re reinforcing the attachment to smoking every time we have this personal dialogue. Instead we should change our dialogue to “I breathe easily,” “my lungs are clean and healthy,” or “I have control over my actions.” Now we’re reinforcing the positive effect we want, instead of the negative.
If we go back to the analogy of the relationship, we can easily see why this is so important. If you’re in an abusive relationship and your thoughts are centered on ending the abuse, you’re still focused on abuse. Your thoughts are constantly re-affirming it. If you change your thoughts to health, love, and acceptance, now you’re opening the doors for change.
2. Making up is easier than breaking up.
Another paramount reason we have trouble breaking bad habits is that we’ve formed such a strong relationship with them. Anytime we think about our life without our habit, there’s internal resistance (I’ll elaborate on this in the next 3 points.)
Letting go is one of the hardest parts of breaking an old habit because we identify ourselves with it so much.
Instead of focusing on the loss of your obsession (because if we’re going to be honest, that’s what it really is) focus on what you’ll gain. Focus on the new healthy habits that you can replace them with. Instead of focusing on the pain of letting go of your obsession, focus on all of the benefits that “breaking up” will bring.
3. My relationship defines me.
One of the biggest reasons we have trouble letting go of old habits is that we identify ourselves with them. Just as you identify yourself in many ways with your social status, your job, values, character, you identify yourself with negative habits as well. If you’re a smoker you not only identify yourself as one, but you identify with all of the associations smokers have as well. Perhaps you think that smoking makes you look cool or makes you seem interesting. Many people also identify their smoking with creativity.
To stop our tendency of identifying with our habits, we can instead identify with our values. We can see that the things we do, don’t necessarily define us. Our sense of self will be defined by our principles, not by our position or our habits. This is essential to letting go.
4. I’ll lose my security blanket.
Attachment is the effect of identifying with our habits. Identifying ourselves with our habits we naturally become attached
Many abusive relationships continue because of attachment. They identify with the relationship and feel if it ends, part of them ends too. If our sense of self is found in our values, instead of the constantly changing terrain of our lives, we can learn to let go. Our identity is safe no matter what turns or curves our life takes.
Are you waiting to end your relationship with your bad habits simply because you’re afraid of letting go?
5. I don’t want to be alone.
The last sign that you’ve married your bad habits is you feel empty without it. I chose this as the last point because it’s about transition, moving from the old to the new. Many people resist change because they feel if they let go, they will be left with a void in their life.
It’s true to a certain extent, the feeling of emptiness is a part of loss. Many people resist breaking ties with their old ways because they’d rather have the comfort of unhealthy habits then experience loss.
When we divorce our bad habits, we need to create new and healthy ones in their places. Not create a life that’s a featureless blank. The problem with this is many people have become so habituated in their ways they couldn’t even imagine what something different would look like. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship with yourself your whole life, it will be very hard for you to imagine what a loving non-judgmental relationship would feel like.
In order to create new, healthier habits in the place of old life-sucking ones, we need to have courage. We need to be unafraid to explore new ways of living. It will take time to re-identify yourself with your new lifestyle (allowing yourself to mourn and taking the time to say goodbye is a healthy process.)
We form relationships with our habits just as we do our parents, partners and friends. Sometimes it’s hard to tell why we can’t let go, when all we seem to do is distance ourselves. Hell, I moved from Los Angeles to Seattle and I still went back to my ex.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I couldn’t let go because I had become so attached. In the same way, I would try to break it off with my bad habits but still came crawling back. It’s like my habits were a giant magnet and the more I tried to pull away, the more I was attracted back to it.
What I didn’t know is that my obsession with the habit was actually the magnet itself.
Breaking ties with old habits isn’t easy. It takes guts to let go when you’ve formed a close relationship with your problems. You’ll probably experience some separation anxiety.
When it’s over you may look back in fondness at the bad habits you used to have, you might even realize they were there to teach you something. They helped you realize the life that you needed to lead.
You may even realize that your problems were opportunities to grow in disguise.
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The Secret? There is No Secret
photo by Mrs. Maze
It seems everyone is looking for a secret. Everyone wants the mysterious answer to their problems that somehow eludes them day after day. If only they knew the secret to success, the secret to loving relationships, the secret to losing weight, the secret to being more productive.
It’s easy to see this when so many books on personal development, self help, money, wealth, fitness, and relationships claim to have some secret. “The Secret to a Flatter Stomach in 30 days,” “The Secret to Unlimited Wealth,” or “The Secret to Happiness.”
Is there really a secret though? Or do marketers simply thrive off the allure of proclaiming a so-called secret, something they’ve figured out that no one else has yet grasped? The real secret is..
There is no secret.
That’s right, there is no secret. But everyone’s looking for one, right?
The allure of a secret is so powerful because it implies some hidden knowledge that someone has kept from others because it’s so powerful. The people that know these so-called secrets don’t want others to know about it, because in knowing it, they might be able to compete with them on the same level.
The generous authors of numerous books, seminars and workshops want to give you the secret. How selfless of them. =)
But most of the time when their secrets are revealed they turn out to be nothing more than a quick fix gimmick. A new weight loss pill that will allow you to eat whatever you want and still lose weight! Or the secret to starting a business that will make you rich within months!
The other less common probability when a secret is revealed is that it turns out it wasn’t a secret at all, it was simply common sense.
After all, what’s the biggest secret that’s hit self-help stands across the nation? The Law of Attraction. The makers of the film about this “law” were so bold to call this The Secret.
I think there is a lot of benefit to focusing your thoughts and intentions on what you want to manifest in your life. Don’t get me wrong, I think moving from focusing on what you want, rather than what you don’t want is a big step for many people. As well as the idea that your thoughts manifest reality. But is this really a secret? I don’t think so.
The problem with secrets is they get people so excited over some new realization that’s going to change their lives instantly. Now that they’ve solved the mystery, everything is going to suddenly transform right? Not exactly.
Discovering a new realization, something that is more in alignment (hence the reason they call it the law of attraction) with reality is a big step. It has the power to change lives. The hype of a secret, some new idea that’s going to completely transform your existence is the issue. Discovering a new, more accurate paradigm for reality is huge, but actually implementing that new paradigm into your life is something else entirely.
When people are so focused on the excitement of learning some new secret, they don’t realize what they learned was really…
Common Sense
The Law of Attraction is really common sense. A lot of people might argue with this, because it seems that thoughts creating reality isn’t so obvious. That may be true. It’s easy to see your physical existence as a product of your environment. After all, you are you, and everything else is “out there.” Your thoughts are a product of your environment, right?
Common sense would tell us, yes, our thoughts are a product of our environment. But that’s only looking at half of the picture. That’s implying that physical reality is bigger than us, we are merely perceiving it. We don’t just perceive though, we interpret and respond. We respond not only with actions, but with thoughts as well. And of course we all know thoughts create actions.
So how do thoughts create reality? We must also recognize that just as we respond to the physical world, the physical world responds to us. That’s the part they don’t teach you in school.
Common sense can take us a step further to better explain the law of attraction. Everyone knows that thoughts determine actions. But what about our thoughts manifesting things that aren’t a direct result of our action? Explaining that requires a whole new paradigm. Maybe a secret paradigm? Or can we explain it with common sense? Let’s give it a try.
We all know that we have a physical body, and that we interact in an environment. How do you describe a person though? You describe them by their behavior, what they do. But you can’t describe what a person does without describing their environment. You can’t describe the environment without describing the city, the state, country, continent, planet, solar system, galaxy and eventually the universe. In the same way for us to describe the universe, we describe the stars in the universe. We describe the matter of the stars, their relationship to galaxies, solar systems and planets. We describe the planet in its relation to life, to the water, atmosphere, and land. We describe the water and the land based on the life that inhabits it. Can you see where I’m going with this?
When we really take common sense as far as we can take it, we realize that everything is relational. We realize that every part relies on the other parts. The parts make a whole and the whole makes the parts. This is what’s not as easy to see; in the whole you see the parts, but in the parts there is also the whole.
When we see that each part is the whole it’s easy to understand how the law of attraction works. When you create an intention that intention is not just your individual consciousness’ intention, it is also the intention of the entire universe as well.
So what does this all have to do with secrets?
The reason I wanted to illustrate this point is to show you that there really are no secrets. But there is a lot of common sense.
The reason secrets are so touchy is because they imply a lot of hype. They imply a quick fix to solving your problems. And while a secret may show you some new insight that will help you, there is still the hard work of implementing that new realization. Changing our beliefs and changing our habits requires hard work. This is a rude awakening for secret seekers.
If we are able to realize that underlying secrets (that are actually based on truth) are really common sense, we can approach things from a new level. We can accept that common sense took us there and that common sense will tell us it may not be easy implementing these new habits.
There is no magic pill. Real magic happens when people apply these secrets in their lives.
True transformation involves no quick fixes and real growth can be very challenging. It may not be as glamorous and alluring. But it will be genuine.
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The Art of Self Loving; a Puja to Yourself
In my past I’ve had a lot of failed relationships. I was never able to understand why these relationships failed until I took a closer look at myself. I realized that I was seeking approval and love from my partner, before I found it within myself. I was looking for something from someone else that only I could give myself. The more I realized the importance of finding validation within me, I begin to take steps to love myself more fully. Flaws and all.
If we don’t have an adequate amount of self love, we’ll likely search for it somewhere outside ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love from others. Seeking ourselves, or our sense of self-worth in that love, is the problem.
Love must first come from within. No matter how much others praise, love or admire us, unless we feel that way on the inside, we’ll end up rejecting their love. If we don’t love ourselves, it’s hard for us to imagine how anyone else can love us.
How can we cultivate love within us? Just as we show our loved ones regular acts of love, we too need to show ourselves loving actions.
In India, they have a practice called a puja. A puja is a devotion to the gods. It can be an offering of food, incense, flowers, or a prayer, anything that can be interpreted as a sign of love. We can also use a puja or act of devotion, to show ourselves love. Remember, love is a verb.
Here are some suggestions for making a puja to yourself:
1. Go on a self-date.
Spend some time alone with yourself. Don’t think about what you need to do the next day or the cleaning up you need to do around the house. Just be fully in the moment and enjoy yourself.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Take yourself out to a movie. Be adventurous and pick a movie you wouldn’t normally see. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy the change of pace.
- Go to lunch at your favorite restaurant, sit and people watch.
- Go to a local caf� and bring a good book with you. Enjoy a cup of chai or tea and just relax.
2. Journal.
- Write a gratitude journal entry. List all of the things you’re grateful for in your life. Try going beyond the obvious thing such as your job, your house and your car. Are you grateful for your breath, existence, love, the sun, your mistakes?
- Let go. Take a moment to list all the mistakes you’ve made and forgive yourself for them. What are some of the things others have done to wrong you? List them and forgive them.
- Achievements and success. What are some of your greatest achievements? What are you most proud of in your life? We have a tendency to focus more on our shortcomings then our success. It’s important that we recognize our achievements and celebrate our success.
3. Do something special for someone else. This may sound opposite to all the other advice here, but we often feel the best about ourselves when we do something selflessly for others.
4. Go for a drive, blare your music. Simple, yet wonderful.
5. Buy yourself a trinket. Or an ice cream cone, or an ice cream cone trinket. The focus isn’t on spending money, it’s about doing something special for yourself.
6. Get outside. Go for a long walk or bike ride to a nearby caf� or just around your neighborhood. This is my personal favorite, it helps me clear my head and gain perspective in my life. I also like to go for presence walks, where the only thing I’m focused on is the present moment. You’ll think you’ve never seen a flower before.
6. Turn off the lights and light some candles, burn some incense if you’re inclined. Drink a glass of wine, coffee, or tea, read a good book, or watch a good movie. Look at old photographs and reminisce.
7. Sing to your plants. Just kidding (or am I?)
8. Give yourself the spa treatment. We don’t have to go to the spa to find relaxation; we can create it in our own home. Here are a few examples:
- Aroma therapy. Take a ceramic cup and pour some hot water in it. Now put 2-3 drops of essential oil such as peppermint, lavender or jasmine in your water. Put a tower over your head, forget everything and just breathe.
- Take a mini-vacation. Close your eyes and imagine yourself anywhere you’d like to be in the world. Imagine the most calming relaxing place. Go online and use pictures if it helps you. The point is to bring yourself into a state of relaxation.
I hope you enjoy these simple suggestions for making a puja to yourself.
What do you do to show yourself love?
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Important vs. Urgent: 5 Ways to Focus On What Really Matters
Pick The Brain just hit publish on a guest post I did for them.
“One simple fact divides effective and ineffective people: effective people spend the majority of their time working on important rather than urgent things.
Have you ever felt like you spend a lot of time being really busy, but at the end of the day you don’t feel like you’ve really accomplished anything? I’ve felt this way on many occasions…”
Check it out here: Important vs. Urgent: 5 Ways to Focus On What Really Matters
If you like it, please consider digging it. =)
How to Use Gratitude to Re-Center Yourself
photo by carf
Life can become very hectic at times and it’s easy to lose sight of what is truly important. With the ups and downs of day-to-day life, our emotions can take us on a roller coaster ride. When things are going our way and our expectation are met, we feel good. But when we lose focus and stumble off our path it’s hard not to let our frustration get the best of us.
Regardless of the valleys and hills of life, we can remain centered by using gratitude as a tool. It’s hard to be focused on all the negative aspects of your life while feeling grateful. The same applies to being grateful for people. It’s hard to think about the shortcoming of others when you’re focused on how grateful you are for them.
Gratitude helps us re-center ourselves when we’re feeling stuck and unsatisfied with our lives. It helps us gain perspective.
The real question is, how can we develop a constant state of gratitude? If gratitude becomes a habit, we’re likely to feel more joy, be at peace and have a greater enjoyment for life. In order to make an “attitude of gratitude” a habit, the most important thing is that our gratitude is independent of our circumstances.
If our gratitude is only focused on the constant ebb and flow of life, we’ll likely be incredibly grateful when things are going well. But as soon as our circumstances change, we leave ourselves open to disappointment and frustration. This is the type of gratitude that often start with “at least”; “at least I have a place to stay,” “at least I have clothes on my back,” or “at least I have a job.” This type of gratitude is a struggle to find contentment when you’re really not that happy about your life. You’re just trying to look on the bright side.
To really make gratitude a habit, we need to move to a deeper level of thankfulness. This means being grateful for things that are independent of your current position such as; existence, your breath, love, your mistakes and failures, emotions, the universe.
When we move to this level of gratitude, we may still be thankful for the things in our life, but now we’re thankful for life itself. Now we’re encompassing every facet of our lives, including the ups and downs, highs and lows. We’re no longer just thankful that we’re getting by, we’re thankful that we are alive. In this way, our gratitude is no longer dependent or attached to our position.
We don’t have to rely on things to make us grateful, because we’ve moved beyond things. Instead of trying to be grateful for things, we’re now grateful to just be.
Here are a few ways to help you make gratitude a part of your life:
1. Create rituals to remember your gratitude.
This is probably my favorite of all the methods I’ve found for cultivating gratitude. When I walk in the door to my home after work I like to silently think to myself “how wonderful it is to be home, how grateful I am to have this space where I can express myself and cultivate my creativity.”
Another great ritual to make is to make a habit of silently listing all the things you’re grateful for as soon as you wake up. I find it’s best to do this before I get out of bed. I know I’m not the only one that has a difficult time getting out of bed, so this really helps me to start my day with a feeling of joy and gratitude. This same practice can be applied at night as well and can have a great effect on your quality of sleep and dreams.
2. Journal about what you’re grateful for.
When we journal about what we’re thankful for, we’re moving our thoughts to the material. This can be a powerful process and allows us to physically see the abundance in our lives.
3. Use a gratitude rock.
Find a nice smooth rock that feels good when you hold it. Now name this rock your “gratitude rock.” Put in your pocket or purse and carry it around with you wherever you go. Whenever you reach in your pocket and feel it, remember what you’re grateful for.
You can also use any other object you like, or even a color. Whenever I see the color green it reminds me of gratitude for life and the earth. Perhaps yours is the sky. Whatever is personal and has meaning to you is most important.
If we’re simply grateful for life itself, we can be thankful even when we have nothing. Our gratitude is rooted in the permanent and not ever-changing landscape of our lives.
If we can find a way to have gratitude in each moment, our lives will improve dramatically. Begin each day and live each moment in gratitude. Watch your life transform.
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